DC Cookie

Friday, June 30, 2006

It's Chronic

If you've spent any amount of time with me, you will have experienced my chronic illness. It's related to my romantic relationship with the camera. I love my reflection, whether good or bad. It could be 7am after a morning jog (no makeup, dripping with sweat) and I'll still be drawn to my own visual facsimile. If there is a mirror in my vicinity, I will look in it. A puddle, someone's sunglasses, a reflective vending machine, a glass-framed painting, a beer stein, a computer screen, a Rolex, a car window, a microwave, a calculator, a water bottle...

So if you go out to dinner with me, don't be surprised if my eyes wander around the room to...myself. I just can't help it.

Jess in Mirror

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Controversy Thursday: It's All Relative

So the media has hyped up these "deadly northeastern storms" so much that you'd think a hurricane just hit Manhattan. Perhaps we lost one Mass-hole to a freak of nature hydroplane because he was driving far too fast in a downpour, or a Quaker who thought it would be entertaining to dive into the Schuylkill's rapids on a dare. And I'm sorry that a few houses in Binghamton have 7 feet of water in their basement. But up-staters are currently chilling out on their porches playing guitars and drinking beer. They're happy about a few days off from work.

Please don't call these flash floods "deadly." Have some respect. Katrina wasn't even a year ago.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

I Am My Own Paparazzi: Hey Sexy DJ

Despite that I'm not really any good at it, I've loved dancing since I was in my mother's womb. I love shaking my toosh, because I love music. All music. Particularly, great trance music. When did I really get hooked? When I met Darude in 2003 and befriended him (to the extent anyone can befriend someone who lives in Finland and only gets to visit me three or four times a year - and by 'me,' I mean, North America).

Jess, Darude - cropped

Jess_Darude_DJ Booth

I digress.

V on the Deck


At any rate, my acquaintanceship with Darude gave me a previously misunderstood appreciation for the difficulty of the DJ's employment. He is responsible for the toe tapping of an entire room for several hours back to back. And, if he's any good, he gets to be the center of admiration for those hours. I was hooked on the concept, to the point where I mildly debated getting into the industry myself.

Well, In Hooville, Namaste and I were given the opportunity to live it up Darude style.







I believe I have found my alternate career...

Friday, June 23, 2006

Favourite Memorial

Without a doubt...the haunting, realistic emotions portrayed in the faces of the statues blows me away every time.


What's yours?

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Controversial Thursday: Fix Me

I just read a stat that 9 million Americans had cosmetic surgery performed last year. ONE YEAR! That is the equivalent of 3% of the population going under the knife in 52 weeks. Statistically, at that rate, every single person in America will have made a bodily alteration within the next 30 years. Startling.

But seriously, what the hell kind of message are we sending to our children when the status quo has become teenagers getting fake boobs and nose jobs instead of studying for the SAT, men getting shin implants instead of doing bench presses, the elderly getting face lifts instead of moisturizing and the obese stapling their stomachs instead of getting on a treadmill.

Come to America. The place where superficial confidence has a price tag and laziness is a religion.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Going the Distance

Somebody please ask me how on earth I thought it would be a good idea to go from running a 10-K to running a half marathon? I just officially signed up for this race. I have 95 days. In this god-foresaken Mid-Atlantic summer humidity (which makes outdoor training much closer to a Kenyan expedition than a traditional Canadian climate), I'm going to need all the discipline I can muster.

Somehow I think 6 miles on a Marriott treadmill twice a week is not exactly adequate preparation.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Mother Knows Best

Ever had your mom try to set you up with someone who she thinks would be "peeeeeerfect" for you? Well, Mrs. Cookie met an eligible bachelor at a wedding out in California about four weeks ago, who happens to reside in the DC area. Despite being in a relationship at the time, I know she couldn't help but brag profusely to this poor stranger about her fantastic daughter who he just HAD to meet. I suspect he feigned polite interest, as I probably would have had the situation been reversed.

Well, following my change in status, Mom took it upon herself to do a little investigation and sent me the guy's e-mail address last night. He won't be a dud - my Mom wouldn't dare attempt to set me up with an unattractive bonehead. In which case, I would argue that I'm open to the idea of meeting him; but what in god's name do I write as my introduction?

"Hey, my name is Cookie. Want to enter my contest?"

Friday, June 16, 2006

Someone Loves A Camera

Apparently I don't even stop posing in front of a camera to run a 10-K. Perhaps in a former life I was a movie star. I just can't help myself.







Thursday, June 15, 2006

Controversy Thursday: Pick Me!

Here is a pet peeve of mine to ponder; I absolutely loathe hearing some white dude use affirmative action as the excuse for not getting into his grad school program of choice, or landing a lucrative job offer. First of all, sadly, our society is made up of a plethora of racist jerkoffs, whether or not that's intentional or understood. Without affirmative action in place, it's not entirely inconceivable (aside: every time I hear that word I think of Vizzini from The Princess Bride) that 95% of our workforce would be comprised of supremacist wasps. Fairness in education and fairness in the workplace are basic rights that I'm all for the government protecting.

Something to consider - If there are 1,000 people being accepted into a program; the two guys vying for the last slot are a white man and a black man; and the program accepts the black man for affirmative action purposes; I argue that instead of complaining about the horrors of a left-wing political regulation whisking his 'rightful spot' away, the white man should suck it the hell up and work a little harder to be top 10 instead of top 1,000 (which is really what put him in this precarious situation in the first place).

Cookie has spoken.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

And The Winner Is...

June 14th. A momentous day. It is both the anniversary of my blog, and the birthday of a very creative blogger with whom I became acquainted my first week of writing. Besides having drinks for said blogger's birthday this evening at Dragonfly, I will also celebrate this joyous day by removing the veil of suspense about the contest results. In a unanimous decision by all judges, the lucky winner** is....



For your reading pleasure, here were his swoon-inspiring responses to the survey:

1. Explain how a date with a Canadian girl might be different than escorting a woman of another culture out for an evening on the town?

You said it better than I ever could. I'm Canadian. You're Canadian. We'll just get each other without even trying.

2. What female celebrity just does it for you? Why?

It used to be Alanis Morissette. But now, I have to admit, it's DC Cookie, because she's a platinum.

3. What makes you the man who should win this contest (i.e. better than any other entrant)?

Have you seen my nude scene in Van Wilder?

4. How long was your longest relationship and why did it end?

Four years. It was not a coincidence that the public announcement of the demise of my engagement occurred on the very day you announced this contest. I have been mesmerized with you since you attended the Toronto premiere of Just Friends. Life is far too short to for regret. When it was brought to my attention that you were single again, I had to leave my fiancee immediately. Besides, I heard you'd 'go down on me in a theater.'

5. What do you say to a woman when her appearance blows you away?

"I want to memorize every freckle on your body...eh?"

6. What is your favourite alcoholic beverage?

Molson Export and/or Sleeman's Honey Brown.

7. If we made it to date number 2, where would you take me?

Banff. I heard you always wanted to vacation there...

Ryan, you can cash in your prize any year, any day, any hour, any minute. Call me!!

**Of note, I did get some relatively serious, creative and well-crafted responses, all of which I found intriguing. That took Balls with a capital B to enter - more than impressive. I'll be in touch with all of you (you know, when this Ryan Reynolds thing doesn't work out). Oh, and I won the over/under. Lil Sis owes me a phatty, home-cooked meal.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

It's The Little Things

I'm going to let the hapless male 'players' in on a little secret. The art of seducing a woman has everything to do with your choice of words and your execution. Becoming single again, and having a very low tolerance for wasted conversation (or general b.s. at all), I am incredibly attuned to the power of a strong pick-up line. Although a line is just a provisional means to an end, it can make or break an opportunity.

For example, let's take the following real-life introduction attempts from three different (but equally handsome) men and I'll explain who actually kept my attention in each scenario.

The status question

  • First Guy: "Where is your boyfriend?" That has got to be the lamest question in the book. He's prying about my status so blatantly that it's almost...desperate.
  • Second Guy: "Can I be your boyfriend?" Yes! Absolutely! I met you three minutes ago. Clearly, I have enough information about you to make such a committed decision.
  • Third Guy: "Whoever gets to be with you is a very lucky man." Not bad. A little cheesy, but the difference here is that he a) doesn't assume anything about my status and b) leaves it in my court to offer him more information at my own discretion. Subtlety is key. Throw the bait of self-assured interest, and most women will bite.

The compliment

  • First Guy: "You're hot." So is Chasey Lane, but she's a ho. The word 'hot' implies sexual desire, rather than appreciation for my natural physical comeliness.
  • Second Guy: "You have a beautiful smile." Alright, that's seriously a nice compliment and I always say thank you. The problem here is that I hear that phrase from everyone, including my grandparents, my hairdresser and my cleaning service. Just like "You have beautiful eyes." It's not memorable.
  • Third Guy: "I love your freckles, you must be Irish." The man who said that to me got a full hour of my time and my phone number. Given my tan, and the shape of my nose, I usually get asked if I'm Italian, Jewish, Spanish or Greek - never Irish. Thing was, he was dead on. Grandpa was red-headed and straight off the boat. The shock of a man picking up on that impressed me.

The close

  • First Guy: "You'll have to give me your number, I want to call you." Nope, I don't haaaave to do anything. Too aggressive. Instead, I'll suggest that he write his on a napkin, which I'll use to hand off to the nearest bathroom attendant when he's gone.
  • Second Guy: "I'd love to take you out this week." This works, sometimes; but only when the man is Eric Bana hot. Otherwise it oozes 'lack of other options.'
  • Third Guy: "I've really enjoyed talking to you. I'd love to continue this conversation." Again, this type of close gives me opportunity to provide my number willingly before it is officially requested. Women much prefer the power of choice over obligation.

Monday, June 12, 2006

It Was The Wine

The happy hour was, unfortunately, scheduled the night before my annual 10-K. I said that I would stop by for a quick glass of water and leave by 8:30. I missed the last happy hour and wanted to represent, even if my attendance were brief. When I couldn't get to the event until 8:00 because of work, and showed up frazzled, in my work clothes, with my hair in a pony tail, I decided to reset my departure deadline to 9:00 and augmented the controversy of my beverage by ordering an orange juice spritzer. However, that did not relax my impatient heart beat. I downed a highball of H2O - still no luck. With FOMO and frustration kicking into high gear, I feared I would never get to sleep that night and I would be wholly enervated by gun time. So with Circle V's coaxing, I said screw it and ordered a glass of hideously insipid, but momentously soothing sauvignon blanc. I reset my departure time again to 9:30...max.

Jess Learns Sign Language
Robin teaches Cookie some dirty words.

At which point, one of my absolute favourite bloggers joined the festivities with her husband. My conversations with Barbara are typically the highlight of a blog happy hour for me. It's refreshing that, in the midst of lap-dances, naughty sign language, strategic avoidance of anything romantically obvious or dramatic, walk-offs, loud music, alcoholic self-indulgence and flirtation, I can have an extended and honest conversation with someone as magnetic as myself. The creative connection masks our demographic differences. After each encounter, I am left just that much wiser.

I digress. By the time Barbara made her exit, I had, yet again, reset my departure time to 10:00 at the latest (which became 10:30 in what we fondly call Cookie-time). There were still a lot of people I had to meet, hug, kiss and fondle before making my abnormally early exit.

Jess_Race Finish

And since you're dying of suspense, the next day I woke up before the sunshine and ran the fastest 10-K of my life. For that, I'll thank the glorious weather, the break-up diet, and the droll DC bloggerazzi (a word, I believe, I just made up; but we'll let that slide).

Thursday, June 08, 2006


My thoughts on this post need to be expanded. Yes, all women are inherently "psycho." It's called estrogen. We're sensitive little creatures who think a lot (men might argue we think too much).

At Science Club a while back, I was reviewing a picture of a periodic table on the basement wall, and humourously began comparing the stability of the elements to the stability of the female psyche.


On the left side, you have your 'laid-back' metals. It takes a lot of drama to get them to react to anything. Their men can walk all over them, and they'll accept it blindly. They prefer to oxidize, rather than expressing any variety of emotion. Stay far away from these women, they present zero challenge. They're basically a subservient womb without a voice or a personality.

On the right side you have your non-metals and your hyperactive gases. The further to the bottom of the chart you go, the more dangerous and explosive. These are the women that get jealous if you spend a 1/2 an hour with your sister and think you're cheating on them if you switch your cologne. Stay far, FAR away from these women. They are constantly in therapy because they don't listen to their therapists advice.

The ideal woman is a PT (platinum). She knows that she is high quality, so she doesn't have to throw a temper tantrum to get a man's attention. She is incredibly confident. She will cry when there is something worth crying about, but she won't be unreasonable and her extreme emotions never linger. She will tell you what she desires. She won't settle for less than her deserved, complete satisfaction, but she will compromise to achieve it. She will speak her mind, but she will debate and discuss instead of fighting, and she'll happily admit when she is out of line. She has a solid and mature grasp of her array of feelings, and will explain her infrequent, hormonal outbursts in words that a man will understand and appreciate. When she is angry, it is likely that she has reason to be. But she is quick to forgive and she never holds a grudge. She is perplexing and deep. She enjoys compliments and attention, but does not require nor demand them (she is not high maintenance). She is easy-going, but she is not a pushover. She recovers quickly from a loss, but remembers with adequate fondness. She has substantial character; a strong awareness of self and a broad empathy for her peers.

The platinum still has "psychotic" moments. No matter where a woman falls on the table, her estrogen levels will always ebb and flow. But on the psycho-meter of femininity, it's the platinum a man needs to hang on to.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Win A Date With DC Cookie!


So the little black book is being reopened. It had quite a lot of dust on it, and the business model will be changing slightly, but in a month it will be fully operational again. In the meantime, as I restock the inventory of eligible bachelors, I have this gift certificate I won for a free dinner that I can either use for a night out with Lil Sis, or as second prize in a contest I have devised to promote Cookie's black book grand opening (the first prize, of course, being the pleasure of my company).

Mystery Man and Jess

Have you ever lurked, trolled, or wandered through my blog archives and been intrigued enough to daydream about what it might be like to spend a few hours in Cookie's world? Or have you thought "Wow, this chick is the kindred spirit of my drop-dead gorgeous, single brother..." Well, here is your (or your acquaintance's) no-holds-barred opportunity to wow the judges and win a free dinner with an easy-going sweetheart.

The Requirements: To participate you must be an educated, handsome, currently unattached male who is (for a change) emotionally available (Do you have a heartbeat? You're perfect). You must also be able to find your way to DC for an evening. Although sense of humour, style, disgust for cigarettes but love of fine wine, solid rhythm, height, stability, kindness, confidence, artistic appreciation, gift of conversation, chivalry, good grammar and a sense of adventure for travel beyond the coast of Delaware are all qualities that will assist you in a win, they're not pre-requisites, only suggestions.

The Contest: It's simple. Answer the 7 questions listed below as honestly and creatively as possible. Send your responses to dccookie@gmail.com, along with 3 photos of yourself. The decision will be made on June 14th (the anniversary of DC Cookie's first blog post).

  1. Explain how a date with a Canadian girl might be different than escorting a woman of another culture out for an evening on the town?
  2. What female celebrity just does it for you? Why?
  3. What makes you the man who should win this contest (i.e. better than any other entrant)?
  4. How long was your longest relationship and why did it end?
  5. What do you say to a woman when her appearance blows you away?
  6. What is your favourite alcoholic beverage?
  7. If we made it to date number 2, where would you take me?

The Judges:

Jess, LilSis

Lil Sis stands to lose a free dinner here**. She knows what I like and what I need. She will be merciless. Remember, I'm witty, but she's wittier. If you don't step up your game, she will annihilate you. Answer inventively and thoughtfully to win Lil Sis' vote.


Kathryn will see through your b.s. immediately. If your answers are canned, she'll call you on it. Answer sincerely, with correct spelling, to win Kathryn's vote.

Good luck!

**Lil Sis and I have a little side bet on the over/under number of responses here. Not saying who picked the over and who picked the under, but the stakes are actually a bit higher than originally noted.

Monday, June 05, 2006

Industry Night

Also known as Sunday Fun-day. After spending a few of these with my boy Frank and his bartender amigos, I am fully convinced that for a kick-ass, hilarious, no-holds-barred good time, the people who do it the best are the people who run the show themselves.

This is how the industry folks cook hamburgers - Dirty Dancing style.

The thing is, the only time they get a break from serving up V&Ts all night long is during those few quiet days while the common party-folk are recovering from their hangovers; namely on Sundays. When I got the invite to hit up a bartenders-only cookout yesterday (that began at 2, and shots were still being poured when I left at 10), I felt like the gates of a jovial secret society had been opened to me. Behind the scenes with the kings and queens of rock-stardom.

This is why it pays to be kind to your bartenders...because they'll show you what your own pathetic attempt at a good time is missing.

Friday, June 02, 2006

Look Out DC

It just dawned on me, that these three blogger BFFs are all, at the same time, single. Just like women who spend a lot of time together might have their period schedules aligned - so aligns the romantic lives of Cookie, Kathryn and Namaste.



God help DC this summer...MEOW!

Thursday, June 01, 2006

And Then...

You wake up, the sun is blazing, you go for your 8th jog in the last 6 days, you shower in soft, lukewarm water, your clothes are loose because you've lost 5 pounds in the last week, you ride to work with your perfect Lil Sis in your perfectly gorgeous convertible with the wind whipping your curls against your cheeks, your favourite co-worker buys you breakfast, and the first e-mail you open is one from a promoter who tells you that you've just won a free dinner for two.

And you recognize, that everything you could ever want is right at your fingertips, and life is beautiful.

**Controversy week resumes tomorrow.
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