Biased Perspective
I was raised in a relatively skewed environment when it comes to the institution of marriage. We marry, and we stay married. We don't abuse each other. We communicate. Rather than wasting too many words defining my family characters, let me paint the picture for you.
Mom's side:
- Mom and Dad married 33 years (first marriage for both). 2 kids.
- Mom's parents married almost 55 years (first marriage for both). 4 kids.
- Mom's first brother married 28 years (first marriage for both). 2 kids.
- Mom's second brother married 13 years (first marriage for both). 2 kids.
- Mom's sister married 19 years (first marriage for both). 3 kids.
Dad's side:
- Mom and Dad married 33 years (first marriage for both). 2 kids.
- Dad's parents married over 55 years until my grandfather passed away (first marriage for both). Grandma has not remarried. 4 kids.
- Dad's first brother married 37 years (first marriage for both). Separated for no more than six months, but rekindled several years ago and haven't looked back. 2 kids (both kids married; first marriage for both).
- Dad's first sister married 25 years (first marriage for both). 2 kids.
- Dad's second sister never married, but has lived in a pseudo common law situation for over 13 years. No kids.
See? Bizarre. I understand this type of family tree exists in 0.0003% of cases in this millennium, but I revel in our distinctiveness, regardless of how idealistic that has made me. Ask me to point to divorce in my family, even among the second cousins or great aunts, and I'm honestly not sure I'd be able to. Is loyalty part of my family's DNA, or are we just taught to be confident enough to seek out the right partner? Or better yet, are we just hardy enough to work at it?
I wonder sometimes if there's a secret formula that makes us the commitment-enabled family we are, or if we're really just a bunch of lucky bastards. Because seriously, it's just not normal.
posted by DC Cookie @ 1:19 PM
13 Comments:
At January 25, 2006 2:26 PM,
Anonymous said…
My entire extended family is the same way. Never has there been a divorce in our family. Until I got to college (and now beyond), I didn't have any friends (or know of anyone) who had parents that were separated. Maybe its because i'm from a very blue-collar town, but times have changed. People give up too easily, or get married for the wrong reasons, or get married too young, and then become bitter about it when they see people like me having fun at a young age. In my family, marriage is based alot on religion and making the best life for your kids if you have them. Divorce was not an option. If I get married, it won't be an option either.
At January 25, 2006 3:04 PM,
Drunken Chud said…
yeah, my grandparents just had their 56th. everyone aunts, uncles all have at least a 20 year year track record. mom is the only one to have a failed marriage. she got married at 18, and divorced at 24. and has been married for the last 23 years. so, in my brothers eyes, he has only known my parents as together. i was in the wedding, so... i know better. but even still, i was 4. and i've never known my father. so, to me, as well they've been together forever. kinda odd.
At January 25, 2006 3:17 PM,
Jamy said…
All they all blissfully happy too? 'Cause that would just be sick. ;)
My parent's are divorced, but with the exception of them, no one else in my family is (or was). Both sets of grandparents had pretty unhappy, though very long, marriages. They might have been happier getting divorced, but it was very rare in those days.
At January 25, 2006 3:28 PM,
Anonymous said…
It should be normal.
Your family have discovered something special.
At January 25, 2006 4:19 PM,
Anonymous said…
That's fantastic. I'm glad you recognize how fortunate you are to have grown up in examples of loving homes with strong marriages!
At January 25, 2006 5:06 PM,
Barbara said…
I too come from this kind of family. (I guess we both fall on the tail of the bell curve...) But I have learned that it sometimes takes greater courage to admit to a failing marriage than it takes to just hunker down and become "best friends" with one's spouse. I am still saddened when I hear of couples who have been married for a bunch of years and who no longer share a bed or even occasional intimacy. Life's too short and sex is too important to just let it go, at least in my opinion. My husband just read a statistic that 23% of all married couples (across all ages) don't have sex together -- can that be possible?
At January 25, 2006 9:15 PM,
O-FACE said…
Because your family hasn't been Americanized yet. When we get finished with the old country, you'll have a 60 percent divorce rate after only 3 years too. We'll also teach your people how to have a wedlock child birthrate of 60 percent for all births. Trust me were working on it. The Ipods, Divorce Court, and Desperate Housewives is making progress in the world.
At January 25, 2006 11:24 PM,
playfulinnc said…
There are only long marriages in my family, too-both sides.
That factor has contributed to my fear, I think. I don't want to be the *one*.
My dad still pats my mom's fanny when she walks past him, and they still flirt. It was gross to me growing up, but now I see how that set the bar for me.
At January 26, 2006 9:03 AM,
Reya Mellicker said…
All of you with families who stay happily married are so lucky! This really cheered me up, both your stats, Cookie, but all the comments, too.
Thank you all. Signed, Twice Divorced ... sigh ...
At January 26, 2006 9:46 AM,
Phil said…
I always joke that my wife is merely too polite to break up with me after many years of dating and marriage.
At January 26, 2006 10:21 AM,
Namaste said…
Well, Cookie, it's cold in Canada. People need to stick together to stay warm. :)
At January 26, 2006 10:35 AM,
VP of Dior said…
sigh, one can only aspire to create such a loving committment as your family tends to do. you are all very lucky.
At January 26, 2006 10:42 AM,
Mamma Bear said…
I think seeing how my parents are toward each other makes me have high standards for relationships. If I ever get married, I too want it to last (not like anyone gets married forit NOT to work) - but I just think I would rather hold off than jump in.
There is divorce in my family (hard not to when each of my parents are 1 of 8 kids) but each set of grandparents never divorced, even when times were hard, they stuck through and made it work.
Sometimes I think today people rush in and are too quick to rush out. Am I a hopeless romantic? Maybe...but I just think I share your biased perspective ;o)
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