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Inspired by a mortifyingly revolting couple swapping spit and tongue-diving for each others' uvulae in the middle of the dance floor for no less than 45 minutes at one of your typical, frat-boy style, pick-up bars in Adams Morgan this past Saturday... I bring you Cookie's Dos and Don'ts for public displays of affection:

Do: Kiss your girlfriend on the cheek, back of the neck, or hand.
Don't: Suck your girlfriend's tongue out of her mouth like a vacuum cleaner.

Do: Hold your girlfriend's hand.
Don't: Hold your girlfriend's breasts.

Do: Rest your hand on your girlfriend's lower back, waist, hip, or butt cheek.
Don't: Put your hand inside your girlfriend's clothing, or excessively massage her when you're touching her.

Do: Whisper licentious suggestions in your girlfriend's ear.
Don't: Say dirty things about you and your girlfriend's planned evening sex-capades in such extreme decibels that other people have to hear.

Do: Dance close to your girlfriend with your arms around her.
Don't: Allow her to perform a lapdance.