I Can Never Stay Mad

I had a long conversation with my ex-boyfriend one week after we broke up. Our actual break-up had been a blow-out, kicking, shoving, top-of-our-lungs screaming match, so I figured having that conversation was a more dignified way to end our tumultuous love affair. He was adamant at the time that he didn't want it to be over; that he couldn't live without me. I was adamant that we weren't ourselves when we were around each other (can you even fathom the idea of me having a fight with anyone?), and we needed to move on. I was tired of pretending to believe him (see number one on this list). It was time. We made each other miserable.

That conversation occurred over a year ago. I haven't seen him or heard his voice since. Following our official goodbye, I cut ties. Besides sending him an e-card on his birthday, I never attempted to contact him. He'd write me every couple of months trying to find out how I was; I can only assume in an attempt to re-establish a position of importance in my life. My replies were always caustic - if I even replied at all. I didn't WANT to hear from him, so I discouraged all forms of communication.

But today, when I received the requisite "hey, how are you" e-mail from him, I no longer felt the urge to holler "leave me alone, you douchebag!" My anger has finally subsided. My frustrations have become abstract and inconsequential. My utter lack of respect for him as a human being has morphed into indifference. Time apparently does heal all wounds. I found myself, for the first time in over a year, almost glad he reached out again. Not because I want to be his friend; something I believe is very difficult to do when you've loved, sacrificed for, and battled with a person that intimately. But because letting go of my resentment is a far greater closure than any break-up conversation could ever provide, no matter how civil.

Thanks for the apologies, and sorry for the number of times I've referred to you as a douchebag. Maybe karma isn't such a bitch after all.