Deep Waters

I learned something very profound about myself last night; so profound that I’m struggling with the words to explain it. And when I admit it, I suspect you’ll all be surprised. On the exterior, I wave the ‘I am strong’ flag and preach to my female-peers to demand equality, but on the interior, I don’t have the slightest idea how to ask for what I want. I’m not talking about flavours of ice cream here. I’m talking about big things, emotional things. I’m an ESFJ, the Caregiver, and the Healer. At the forefront of my reverie, I am constantly fixated on other people’s happiness. I’ve always felt most intimate with the people whose problems I can solve by wrapping them in my arms. I’m not sure I’ve ever thought twice about the reasonableness of it all because meeting other people’s needs makes me happy. To meet my own needs, I typically just turn inwards. I have never entertained the idea that someone else might be an equally willing participant.

So last night, when the special person I was spending some quality time with made a very simple gesture, which to him was probably no more extraordinary than changing his socks, I was barely able to speak. He simply said, “What do YOU like?” At first I giggled and didn’t answer. I didn’t want to have to answer, because the problem was, I didn’t know. All this time, all my experiences, and there I was, just a little Lolita, unable to express her desires. Unchartered, vulnerable waters.

I have some things to learn, and that scares me.