DC Cookie

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Can I Do Better?

I was having a discussion with DCB today about this exact subject. It's only natural that when Girl and Guy start dating, they are going to experience some doubts. After the short honeymoon phase, the flaws become apparent. Girl and Guy both begin to contemplate whether or not these quirks are deal-breakers, or whether they can compromise. In the overall scheme, Girl and Guy are the same. Initially overwhelmed with attraction and desire, then somewhat more thoughtful and analytical when the smoke clears.

The difference? The topic of contemplation.

Girl ponders the following when deciding whether or not to commit to Guy:
  • Is he stable enough to provide me with a good home for children?
  • Is he healthy?
  • Will he be adventurous and try new things with me?
  • Is he romantic?
  • Is he kind to his wait staff?
  • Does he have a good relationship with his family?
  • Does he call frequently enough?
  • Does he shower me with enough attention?
  • Do I like his choice of friends?
  • Does he make sacrifices for me?
  • Can he dance?
  • Does he party too much, or will he take a Friday off to watch movies with me?
  • Does he open my car door?
  • Does he listen to me?
  • Does he respect me?
  • Does he reciprocate?
  • etc. etc. etc.
Looks last. The rest is more important.

But what about Guy? What makes him decide whether or not to continue to play the field? One thing, and one thing only. He asks himself, is there someone out there who is hotter than the girl I'm with right now? The idea of 'can I do better?' has nothing to do with marriage, future, kids, stability, employment, spontaneity or intelligence (those things only enter the picture when Guy determines that Girl is the best arm candy he can find). When he finds the hottest woman he can, who also fits all the personality traits he desires (see above list), then he marries her.

Looks first. The rest comes later.

35 Comments:

  • At August 17, 2005 7:24 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Bullsh*t- and you know it.

    Yes, everyone needs someone they can be attracted to, and because you usually see a person before you ever even talk to them, looks come first, but not in the grand scheme of things.

    These were the important ones off the top of my head, pretty much the same as your list:

    Does she want kids?
    Would she make a good mother?
    Will she respect me as I am (job, habits, hobbies, friends, etc...)?
    Does she make me laugh?
    Do I consider her my best friend?
    Is she willing to make our relationship a team-effort?
    Are we sexually compatible in the long run?

    Then the odd litmus test things:

    Would she ever wear an "I love my geek" t-shirt?
    Will she go hashing with me? =)

    Cookie, in my opinion, if the guy you are with isn't concerned about the same issues as you, you are with the wrong guy.

    You deserve so much.

    Cheers,
    Kurt

     
  • At August 17, 2005 7:48 AM, Blogger I-66 said…

    ooooh.. Ok. I believe that physicality - in most cases - is the initial attraction. Ex: I see a girl in a bar, she's attractive to me in some way, I go over and talk to her. That's not to say that looks are most important but I can't say they don't matter. Especially in that situation, looks are the number one thing I notice but not number one on the list. It's what I find out is underneath the looks that counts.

    I cannot agree that we're essentially always looking to upgrade. If I'm getting what I think I need I'm happy as can be. Why end something wonderful for something that probably won't work out just because the next girl is prettier?

     
  • At August 17, 2005 8:11 AM, Blogger DC Cookie said…

    Please note the small clause "who also fits all the personality traits he desires." Men don't want a hot dud for lasting love, but they won't settle down with the mediocre girl with the dynamic personality until they're convinced the hottest girls aren't equally as engaging.

    Kurt - you are, by far, the exception to most rules in this department.

     
  • At August 17, 2005 8:58 AM, Blogger Jinxy said…

    What a self-serving load of dog poop.

    You know better than that.

    Women are just as subject to physical attraction as men are.

    It has something to do with their genetic predisposition to find a mate who can successfully produce healthy offspring who can survive on the plains of sub-Saharan Africa.

    Or something.

    I saw that on the Discovery Channel.

     
  • At August 17, 2005 9:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    What a complete and utter load of crap!
    I have dated girls that I consider hot, beautiful, average, and everything in between. The reason that I have not settled down is because I have not yet found the right psychological/emotional connection.
    Trust me, guys consider many of the same things you have on your list, with one obvious addition - is she a total psycho?

     
  • At August 17, 2005 9:27 AM, Blogger Phil said…

    You should read what I wrote on DCGirls. Just set your standards a bit lower. I use myself as an example - I am not good looking and am considered somewhat of a buffoon, yet I have a beautiful wife. And I mean that in the most superficial way possible. How am I going to do better? I thank God she's willing to tolerate me on a day to day basis. So I'm not going anywhere.

     
  • At August 17, 2005 9:48 AM, Blogger GwenMarieDC said…

    Cookie - I totally hear and agree with what you are saying. And the others make good points as well. It is true, us gals can be all about the physicality as well, and there are guys who are more concerned with the other "topics of contemplation" that you list (heart Kurt)...of course, there are always exceptions to the rule. But I'd agree with what you've said in most cases. I feel that ladies always seem to be looking for more substance and deeper attraction, while the gents are looking for a hotter, younger, sexier version of what they have already been presented with.

    OH WELL! I guess (and by guess I mean HOPE) that we all eventually find the person who is best suited for us and vice versa. Not to be a dating cliché but I do have to wish that there is a Mr. Right out there for whom I am Ms. Right. Don’t we all?

    Smooches

     
  • At August 17, 2005 9:53 AM, Blogger I-66 said…

    PIP.. no male that searches only to upgrade deserves to be called a "gent" or any form of gentleman.

     
  • At August 17, 2005 9:55 AM, Blogger Johnny said…

    i have no idea cookie.

     
  • At August 17, 2005 10:45 AM, Blogger DC Cookie said…

    Regardless, I figure the cosmos all align when it's time. If Guy is seeking hotter woman, Girl shouldn't be with him. Girl will stop asking all those questions when Guy stops being so concerned about appearance.

     
  • At August 17, 2005 11:19 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Just to clarify something here, we're not "so concerned" about appearances. This isn't some volitional undertaking. We want someone we're attracted to and we can't help what makes us attracted to another person. There are physical qualities in women that are just a complete turn-off to me - I can't help that. But we are not concerned with physical beauty to the point of wanting women for "arm candy." This isn't about impressing other people or getting the youngest, sexiest girl you can get. Hugh Hefner is not the rubric for the typical male.

     
  • At August 17, 2005 11:21 AM, Blogger Johnny said…

    exactly. u know its an equitable relationship when guy just starts dressing like a slob and showing up in front of all your friends in ratty 70s shorty shorts.

    whata keeper!!

     
  • At August 17, 2005 11:32 AM, Blogger I-66 said…

    amen, RCR... well put.

     
  • At August 17, 2005 11:55 AM, Blogger DC Cookie said…

    I must say, I'm enjoying the opposition to this post.

    Perhaps this is a major indicator of a man's development from puppy to...dog?

    RCR and i-66 - you too represent exceptions.

     
  • At August 17, 2005 12:35 PM, Blogger DC said…

    Cookie, unfortunately the truth has uttered forth from your lips, probably men just don't want to accept the fact that even as advanced as we think we are... we do fall back on our baser instincts from time to time (I have to admit I've done it too...although in the gay world I'm gonna say it's a lot more common)

     
  • At August 17, 2005 12:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I don't consider myself an exception - every time I hear the female indictment of the male gender, I think to myself "I'm not like that. None of my friends are like that. I don't even really know any guys like that." If we're happy in the relationship, we're not looking to get out of it, for any reason. But, if I leave a girl for a hotter girl, the fact that the second girl is hotter is probably the least of the reasons for ending it.

     
  • At August 17, 2005 12:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    whoops, that was me.

     
  • At August 17, 2005 1:10 PM, Blogger roosh said…

    "Looks last. The rest is more important."

    I know consciously you may believe this, but I doubt thats how it works for most women.

     
  • At August 17, 2005 1:25 PM, Blogger SAS said…

    I have to say, reading the blogs of other women in DC, and the reflections that women have about the men they date (and this post may be a general observation that has nothing to do with someone that DC Cookie is or was dating) makes me realize how fortunate I am to have the men in my life that I do.

    Because judging by what some other women write about the men they know -- they are a pretty shallow bunch.

    Most of the men I know are anything but shallow.

    Neurotic. Obsessive. Quirky. Maddening. Sure, all in their own ways.

    But not shallow.

    By my observation, my straight male friends tend to date women who make them think and make them laugh. Not necessarily in that order. But those usually top the list. And my friends are (almost) all theater people. Who are, stereotypically, supposed to be all about “looks”. But maybe because everything else in their lives is so looks-based, it becomes less of a priority in dating. I don't know. Just a thought.

     
  • At August 17, 2005 2:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Cooks, you know I got your back on all things, but this post....c’mon girl! I will agree with you that there are some guys out there who are looking for a nice piece, but I have to second the person who said it's probably an age/maturity thing. I think the question for men is pretty simple and I forget where I heard this, but it's "Does she make me a better man?" When you are younger, being a better man probably entails impressing all your buds w/ your hot POA. As you get older you could give a rat’s ass what your boys think and you start to look for someone who can enlighten/engage you a bit. And having someone who can stay quiet during the game doesn’t hurt either ;)

     
  • At August 17, 2005 2:14 PM, Blogger Johnny said…

    if thats true, then someone out there find you amazingly fandrastically beautiful... you just havent met him...

    or you did, but mistook his assertions as being a playa.

    if so, then whos the cookie now?

     
  • At August 17, 2005 2:22 PM, Blogger Washington Cube said…

    I'm bored with my blog. It's bleh. I want that shinybright blog over there...no...wait a minute...that one over THERE.

     
  • At August 17, 2005 2:22 PM, Blogger Washington Cube said…

    No. Wait a minute...I want the 68 Shelby GT350 that Elvis was just talking about.

     
  • At August 17, 2005 4:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Wow...this reeks of DCB.
    However, I do think you make some valid points, Cookie.
    I think a lot men are like what you described... until about 30-35 (hopefully). I think once men mature they start looking for more substance (hopefully).
    Men in their 20s constantly are looking to upgrade because women allow themselves to be walked upon by them.
    In the same way women in their 20s (for the most part) have no idea what they want. Therefore making them suspectible to men that may not be good for their self-esteem.
    Which means that they will probably spend most of their 20s crying over losers. (I have been there, my friends)
    That is why I prefer older men.

     
  • At August 17, 2005 4:20 PM, Blogger Johnny said…

    there's a lot of fish in the sea.

    but also sharks.

    bigguns!

    they bite your leg off.

    im just sayin.

     
  • At August 17, 2005 6:58 PM, Blogger DC Cookie said…

    I'm not saying...I'm just saying.

    For the record, Cookie isn't jaded. ;-) I know a lot of exceptions and I thrive on how lucky I have been.

     
  • At August 18, 2005 5:07 AM, Blogger DC Cookie said…

    Since when does requiring 'perfect for me' (different than perfect) have anything to do with growing up? I believe not settling is a formidable power that many women ignore.

     
  • At August 18, 2005 7:07 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Definitely don't settle Cookie. Been there; not fun.

    I peronsally believe that there are lots of people out there who are perfect for each other. It is a many to many concept. So I think your odds are better than 1 in 2 Billion. =) for any person.

    I definitely feel as though I am with the woman who is perfect for me. Perhaps naive, but I think the point is you can never know. You could spend your whole life looking, while passing up really good opportunities. I think that is curse of the fact that you could be perfectly happy with more than one person in this world.

    The goal then is to listen to your heart and fine the line between settling and being content, and that they don't mean the same thing.

    I truly don't believe there is any other way.

    Cheers,
    Kurt

     
  • At August 18, 2005 9:24 AM, Blogger Mamma Bear said…

    Men are idiots with a penis.
    NEXT! ;o)

     
  • At August 18, 2005 9:58 AM, Blogger A Unique Alias said…

    What are they without a penis?

     
  • At August 18, 2005 2:48 PM, Blogger The Captain said…

    I don't remember drunk Robin ever saying such mean things about men...

     
  • At August 18, 2005 3:15 PM, Blogger The Captain said…

    I couldn't let this thread go away without getting my two cents in. Cookie, did you post this looking for arguments? This isn't representative of anyone except drunken frat boys and high schoolers. Post college guys usually have at least a few other priorities. I agree with I-66 however. You can ramble about personality and everything else...you're not going to find out unless there's a basic physical attraction. I think that goes both ways.

    Now, to break character and go in the opposite direction for a minute. Allow me to point out how much less complicated men are than women. You ladies put on some nice clothes, maybe a little make-up, and you're good to go. Look at all the crap us guys have to worry about just to impress you.

    Oh an BTW, the trade-up thing applies to cheating, not long term dating/relationships. In those, other things matter besides looks. If you're going to be a jerk and cheat, that's when the trade-up principle comes into play.

    I'm not saying, I'm just saying...

     
  • At August 18, 2005 3:49 PM, Blogger DC Cookie said…

    Cap'n...perhaps I did...

     
  • At August 19, 2005 1:37 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I think this is an endlessly amusing topic, and for many of the reasons that show up here. What we want and desire is very age dependent. What Cookie lays out is a fairly common list of requirements that would not seem unusual to most. But it may take quite sometime before we are willing to confront the frission between our desires, our means, and the time and place we inhabit. You might not 'settle' just rearrange the priorities somewhat. What I'm about to tell you I've told at least one other researcher at the Smithsonian.

    It's rare for some guy like Phil to come around to the point; 'Nope it does not get any better than this'. I've got a similar outlook too. This may or may not be common for the age, but it's something that satisfies me immensely.


    Like Cookie I knew early what I wanted in a mate, and I mostly got it. But I had some unusual requirements. First off I was not looking for a 'race horse'. Not the High maintenance hottie with the high drama IQ. Been there, done that. It's really exhausting in any venue. I wanted something slow, steady and loyal. I wanted and needed a Percheron kind of gal. (Please excuse the metaphor and yes, a Belgian would do, but Clydesdales were a bit beyond me.) The kind of person who does not have 'bad hair days'. The kind of woman that if you woke her up in the middle of the night, she's ready to go in under 15 min. Ditto for most trips. No matter what. Not just easy maintenance, but ridiculously easy by any standard.


    But that was *Not* the first bar. She had to be one smart cookie. Not just 'street smarts' but honest to goodness G_Damn brilliant. It could work no other way. Now there's Lots of other really smart cookies out there, but how many have that Percheron type of easy going, steady personality? I mean no disrespect here, but I've got a self starter that does not need much constant reassurance. Not many complaints, Very affectionate, and was never into all the mind games so common for other 20 somethings. Did not like to shop. Still doesn't. She's strong, deep, kind, compassionate and generous. It's the kind of character you want with you to accompany you in a life's journey.

    So I like to admire the prancing young Morgan's about with their surreys and fringes. They do look fine. I've always preferred the real working breeds. The steady plodding types, the constant star you hang your plow and your hopes to. In a pinch they'll mostly prove less fragile in the end, and boys and girls, it's a hard row to plow out here in the real world.

    So like Phil I know that I'd never do better than my life's partner. I don't think I'd measure up to the original list myself, but we've made a fine life for ourselves. But it's the intellect, character and integrity I was looking for. Unusual to be certain, but I bet you know plenty of gals that would qualify. They just don't have the time to make it to the bars much. They've got better things to do mostly.

    Now I do hope you all found that amusing!

    Cheers, JP

     
  • At August 19, 2005 7:34 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Addendum: I should hasten to add that the wife [described above] is completely easy on the eyes too. Very comely, and a natural beauty w/o any makeup. Strange yet true...

    Cheers, JP

     

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